I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. If you know me at all you know that I don’t sugar coat things to soften reality or buy into sales pitches on what women need to do to become beautiful. It's a tough world we live in, yes, but if you ask me, it's not nearly as tough as you are.
No, there isn’t any magic wand that changes your DNA or replaces your low self-esteem with soaring confidence. There isn't any beauty product you can purchase that will restore a healthy sense of self-worth. There isn't any skin care that will reconnect you with your non-treated beauty. There isn't any makeup that will heal your body image. There isn't anything materialistic you can apply to your outer appearance that isn't skin-deep. All of these enhancements are lovely and can certainly make us feel nice about ourselves, but they don't fulfill that very real something deep inside you that needs lasting validation that you are ENOUGH without all the glam. Your natural skin is ENOUGH, your natural eyelashes are ENOUGH, your natural colored lips are ENOUGH. Your rawness is ENOUGH. Your body shape is ENOUGH. Your size is ENOUGH. YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. JUST. THE. WAY. YOU. ARE. without having to do a THING to alter or enhance YOU.
Women strive to fill that desire inside them to be enough by believing everything the media tells them they need to do so. I need eyeliner? Ok. I need more mascara? Ok. I need more blush? Ok. I need highlighter? Ok. I need lipstick? Ok. I need more of everything I just bought? Ok. I need to workout? Ok. I need to lose 30lb? Ok. I need to gain 30lb? Ok. I need to show my abs? Ok. I need to show more leg? Ok. I need to show more cleavage? Ok. I need to color my hair? Ok. I need to buy high end clothes? Ok. I need to wear less of them? Ok. I need to share a million selfies on Facebook so everyone can validate me because I can't? Ok.
By women "beautifying" themselves as a means to fulfill that soul-deep desire to be beautiful and be enough, women are seduced into this glamorized temporary gratification of validation without ever reaching the root. This also reinforces that core belief that one is only beautiful when they wear makeup, when they wear certain clothes, when their body looks a certain way, etc. They only feel "confident" when they are cloning what they believe to be beautiful because they aren't confident in themselves. Ever see a woman out on the town rocking her boyfriend's XXL sweatpants, over sized hoodie, hair thrown into a pineapple on her head, and she's beaming without a trace of makeup on? That's genuine confidence baby. (Read about MY INGREDIENTS TO SELF-MADE CONFIDENCE.) You need to quench that desire at your core with authentic lasting validation that you alone are enough. You have the ability to validate yourself without spending a dime on any beauty product, workout program, or new fashion. (I'm not saying you have to live in your boyfriend's big clothes, but having the confidence to not need to look picture-perfect in front of others is a game changer.) When one successfully meets this deep-rooted NEED they no longer need to enhance, improve, decorate, or pursue changing their appearance. Makeup, fashion, and beauty accessories merely become a fun luxury and not a necessity. You workout because you love your body, not because you hate it and are trying to change it so that you feel you are worth something. Nothing extra changes one's already deep-rooted confidence that they are enough. It is key to fall in love with your body type before falling in love with anything else or you are at risk to believing your decorated and enhanced self is all that you should be.
To fall in love with your body is to fall deeply through its surface and into your very being.
I don't promise you that you are going to succeed. That is on you. What I do promise you is that these untold truths reveal everything the media doesn't want you knowing about yourself or else many places would go out of business. Laying down all the cards on the table for you and not glamorizing a single one of them. This is real life, real women, and real solutions to falling in love with whatever body type you HAVE right here right now. This isn’t about 6 months out and you’re beaming head to toe because your workout routine has restored your self-worth (no such thing!). This isn’t about 1 month from now when you are successfully back in your diet and you’re glowing because you feel more attractive. This isn’t about tomorrow when you feel emotionally ready to start trying to like your body parts that you hated for so long. This is about RIGHT NOW. Ready or not.
(1) YOUR VALUE SYSTEM
What do you place value on? What is it you find to be SO important and would bring your life meaning? What you value is deeply rooted in what you need in life. When what you place value on is missing from your life you will be unfulfilled and very unhappy. If you place value on a certain body type (one you do not have) you will ceaselessly experience the emotional letdown of never having it. If you place value on a stereotyped ideal body image (one you do not have) you will again perpetually experience a negative response to anything that festers that unfilled need. Examples: seeing a glamorized magazine cover or an advertisement on a billboard or a fashion show may make you feel pretty low if you place value on them. What you give meaning to is you handing out the invitation to that something to have power over you. You’re allowing them to have a say in how you feel about yourself. Your value system is what you are intimately connected to and live by. These values channel your energy, spirit, confidence, self-esteem, sense of self-worth, momentum, belief system, and your own voice. What you give worth to lies in your values.
If you get envious when you see another woman you think is more physically attractive, you are placing value on physical attraction. If you fall into self-pity when you see another woman thinner than you, you are placing value on thin body types. If you fall into bitterness when you see another woman able to tan when you can’t, you are placing value on skin color. If you fall into mocking another woman’s height because you actually hate your own, you are placing value on height. If you are shaming another woman for being underweight or overweight because you are projecting your own weight insecurities, you are placing value on weight. It’s pretty straightforward once you actually think about it.
YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONAL RESPONSES TO YOUR UNFULFILLED NEEDS ARE A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR VALUE SYSTEM.
Change your value system so that you no longer need to have what you can’t have (i.e. a different body type, different genes, etc.) This also focuses your energy on what is obtainable to you and boosts your momentum toward achieving what you can have (i.e. an enhanced version of YOUR body type) Recreate a healthy value system that brings ALL OF YOU to life so that you can grow, improve, and enhance all that you are in a healthy and fulfilled way.
(2) YOUR BELIEF SYSTEM
Your beliefs are what you hold valid. They make up your philosophy in life. It is through your belief system all of your conduct is born. Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are powered by your belief system. Example: If you believe you are drop dead gorgeous then Billy Bob’s opinion from down the street thinking you are too skinny or too heavy doesn’t mean a thing to you. If you believe you are unattractive then Billy Bob’s thoughts probably sting a bit because they are confirming your belief about yourself, which is a hurtful one in itself. Negative reinforcement can harmfully deepen one’s opinion of oneself into core beliefs, which is rooted in who you believe you are. It’s deeper than just skin deep. (i.e. I am ugly, I am stupid, I am bad, I am unworthy, I am unlovable, I am unforgivable, I am (fill in the blank). It is essential to develop a healthy belief system that grows from a healthy value system so that when you make decisions in your life you are deeply rooted in healthy soil. When you are deeply rooted in what fulfills you and lights up your essence you become your most powerful.
(3) THE POWER OF YOU
You are more powerful than you realize. You may feel helpless when you fall victim to painful emotions, but the truth is that you are giving up your power as victor in those situations. You must make the intentional decision to control your response to whatever is triggering an unhealthy experience within you. It all starts with your mind. Your mind is what turns you against yourself. It’s not America’s Next Top Model. It’s not the most popular girl at the party. It’s not Pinterest. It’s not even your body type. Believing any of these are your enemy is shooting yourself in the foot. Running from those you think are the cause to you turning on yourself actually fuels your self-doubt and increases the negative emotions at the very next moment you face a similar situation. Sweeping it under the rug to give yourself temporary emotional relief is not self-love. It’s refusing to know yourself for who you truly are and failing to love that woman. Don’t be afraid to take ownership of your own power and make a healthy change in your life. Changing your value system, belief system, and utilizing your own power so that nothing has power over you, is one heck of a healthy solution to falling in love with YOU.
(4) FALL IN LOVE
When you have constructed a brand new value system, have built an empowering belief system, and have grown so in tune to the power of YOU, falling in love with your body type becomes second nature. Don’t believe me? Find those loopholes you let other people's’ value systems, belief systems, and behaviors slip through to have power over you and make the mental choice to say NO to all of them. They don’t have a say here. This is YOU. Beautiful and amazing YOU. You have a right to love your body whatever shape or color it comes in. You have a right to be proud of everything it has endured. You have a right to find value it its uniqueness and what makes it so refreshingly different. You have a right to believe it is beautiful because it is YOURS. You have a right to enhance it however you desire, but are so deeply rooted in its unchangeable worth that its outer layer never defines what’s underneath. You have a right to be at peace with your body. You have a right to feel good in your body. You have a right to be comfortable in your body. You have a right to delight in your body. You have a right to celebrate your body. You have a right to LIVE UNAPOLOGETICALLY in your body. Your body is non-negotiable. You have a right to speak this truth through your body to the rest of the world, even if they trash it. It’s not about them. It’s about YOU.
(5) USE VIRTUE AS A WEAPON
Human beings are not invulnerable to temptation that leads to destruction. One may be tempted to gossip about a woman they envy because it smacks a self-seeking emotional band aid on their own festered wound. One may be tempted to reject a woman they find prettier because her self-esteem felt threatened. One may be tempted to speak cruelly to another woman because they hate to see someone feel good about themselves when they feel so bad about themselves. One may be tempted to loathe another woman because she has everything they desire. One may be tempted to belittle another woman because it helps them feel superior and strokes their ego.
Or, one may be tempted to be unkind toward their own body because they reject it. One may be tempted to hurt their body because it relieves them from emotional pain. One be tempted to speak negatively toward their body because they despise every inch of it. One may be tempted to believe every word others say about their body that caters to their pride. One may be tempted to live in their skin according to society's rules and not their own. One may be tempted to hide their authenticity for the approval of others. One may be tempted to never give themselves the chance to be freely themselves.
When a woman invests toward growing in virtue, she is crowned with the power and grace to defeat every temptation. A virtuous woman is loving, understanding, kind, peaceful, accepting, gracious, strong, forgiving, patient, generous, joyful, empathetic, hopeful, faithful, merciful, courageous, just, prudent, compassionate, humble, grateful, and cherishes every human being as a gift created in the Image and Likeness of God. When a woman chooses to act out of virtue and not out of vice she conquers. She breaks free from negative emotions, breaks free from feeling powerless, breaks free from any chains or shackles, breaks free from others having power over her, breaks free from negative comparison, breaks free from being self-centered, breaks free from misery, breaks free from loneliness, breaks free from restlessness, breaks free from fear, breaks free from self-pity, breaks free from self-hatred, breaks free from any vice that has sunk its teeth in her, and breaks free to be who she was created to be.
"She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her."
- Proverbs: 3:15.
(6) DON’T WEAR BLINDERS, WEAR SHADES
Yup, I'm going against the grain here and giving you what people never tell you. Everyone tells you to shelter your emotions, your energy, and your self-esteem by putting on those blinders so you're blind to any woman whose greatness may be your next buzz kill. Or is she really? Women who feel they need to wear blinders so they don’t fall into some “comparison trap” ARE their own buzz kill, not the women they blame or the comparison they blame. Women who can't come to grips with their own power and result to wearing blinders are not deeply rooted in their self-worth and self-confidence. They are feeding the fear of being overpowered by another woman’s greatness (usually emotionally). A woman who knows herself and has mastered her own voice, her own beat, and loves everything that she is, doesn’t need to waste time shielding herself from the value other women bring. In fact, she can't wait to soak it all up so she can grow and learn from them! A woman who is steadfast in her identity does not feel threatened by watching other strong women soar. A woman who believes in herself does not feel inferior to women who are powerfully successful. A woman who is proud of who she is does not feel bad about herself at the win of another woman. A woman who is sure of herself does not question her beauty or talent when she sees the beauty and talent of another woman. A woman who truly knows what she’s made of throws away the blinders because she delights in who she is and ALL the other women around her. She is confident, strong, fearless, and loves fiercely. She burns bright and does what she can to help other women shine too, and throws on those shades when their radiance is brilliant! She rejoices in other women, celebrates with other women, empowers other women, admires other women, treasures other women, and learns from those who are a step ahead of her. Don’t wear blinders, ladies, wear shades, and marvel in every woman’s immeasurable worth, beauty, and power, and not just your own. You will experience a whole new world of freedom, a whole new depth of peace, and a whole new level of power that I swear is going to BLOW YOUR MIND.
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